Here are some things
I don’t always know what to do. I pray about it. I pray some more. I try not to make the same mistakes twice. And yet I still don’t know what God wants for my life. I’m not sure what path he wants me to take. So many things right now.
I miss things being simple. I wish paying for college was taken care of like I thought it was going to be until recently. I wish making straight As came as easily to me as it did in high school. I made over a 4.0 and graduated with a dozen honors courses and 4 AP levels. Graduating from college with the subpar GPA I have now is stupid, frustrating, and unacceptable to me.
I miss certain friends. I have neglected two of my best friends because of me being too busy or just making other things/ people a priority. I love you. More than you will EVER realize. And i NEED you in my life again.
I want to trust, and fall in love again. But I’m afraid of getting hurt like the last time. We could have such a wonderful, beautiful thing. We could be a living testament to heartache and brokenness turned back into love, caring, and serving one another. We are relying on God this time. We are taking things slow. We aren’t doing things we shouldn’t do. We are getting to know each other again— the better, more grown up versions. I want to let my walls down. There’s just so much to work through, not just between each other, but with everyone else. It’s not going to be easy. But the more I’m around you, the more I love you and just want to take care of you. I start to see myself being with you for the rest of my life. I start to imagine what our kids would look like. And how you would be the best dad and husband in the world. And thinking all that scares the hell out of me.
I want to get my family and friends better Christmas gifts, but I’m so damn poor I can’t. You deserve so much more than what I can give you.
I graduate in May. Crap. What do I do after that? Move to LA? To New York? Stay here? Who will I work for? Have I done enough to stand out to employers? Are there even any jobs available to me? What if I don’t get a job? What’s an acceptable amount of time to be unemployed after graduation?
I want my family’s money and career situation to be resolved. More prayers. More often. Everyday.
Lord, help me do what I need so that I can be a blessing to others, strong within myself, and have the security of a clear path.
